10 SUBTLE (But Deadly) SIGNS YOU’RE BECOMING REFORMED
WebMD can diagnose everything from ADHD to heart disease — but nothing for the great scourge of our day: Reformed theology.
How is an honest Christian supposed to know if they’ve been infected with this viral disease? What can we do to protect ourselves from the horrendous belief that God is freely sovereign to secure his own glory?
Have no fear. I’ve seen Reformed Christians in the wild — yes, they’re real, and scarier than the stories you’ve heard. I’m a bit like Jane Goodall, really, although encountering a
Reformed Christian is a lot more dangerous than some wild ape. I’ve also — horror of horrors — listened to R.C. Sproul’s podcast.
Being qualified in this way, I’ve compiled a list of the 10 most common symptoms of being Reformed. If you match any of these, please seek medical assistance.
1. You’re A Calvinist
Believe it or not, being a Calvinist doesn’t make you Reformed. However, it’s a deadly gateway drug. You start believing in God’s sovereignty over salvation, and the next thing you know you’ve got a psalter in hand, you’re singing in three-part harmony with the congregation, and you’re doing all your laundry on Saturday.
2. You Start Saying “Free Will” With Air Quotes
This is the dark side of Reformed Christians — they’ve noticed that the Bible doesn’t teach free will in the way most people think of it. Consequently, when they use the term, they refuse to allow you to think they mean free will in the normal sense. If you have the urge to clarify what you mean by free will, and so begin air-quoting the phrase, you may just be Reformed.
3. Coffee Becomes A Sacrament
It’s much harder to spot these subtle signs — after all, an honest Arminian can enjoy a cup of coffee too. But Reformed folk go a step too far. If your Bible study takes place at 5:30am at a local coffee shop named after a Puritan, and the barista knows your order as 'The Calvin,' it's time to seek help.
4. Your Spotify Playlist Is All Sovereign Grace Music
Now, this isn’t actually as bad as it gets. The far more deadly form of this symptom is when the psalter blasts from your speakers. (Honestly, if you’ve even held a real psalter, you may be contaminated.) But the transition begins with Sovereign Grace. Please, if this is you, treat yourself to a healthy dose of Hillsong — the bass drop will do you wonders.
5. You Read Jonathan Edwards
Now, this isn’t a ban on all Reformed writers. After all, you can enjoy a bit of J.I. Packer, who’s quite popular, without folding. But Edwards? He’ll convince you.
6. You Grow A Beard
This is the greatest of the visible symptoms. Ties are bad, but a beard? Might as well tattoo ELECT across your forehead (although, of course you’d never do that). Now, some of you may have friends or family who have beards, and I’m not trying to scare you. If they’ve always had a beard, you’re probably safe. But if a baby-faced Arminian sprouts a beard overnight, clear out.
(Bonus tip: If they start identifying Puritan preachers by their beards, it’s time to stage an intervention — they’re already halfway to a full Presbyterian takeover.)
7. The Whole Bible Is About Romans 9
Everywhere you look, the text is really referring to vessels of mercy and vessels of wrath. You can’t make it through the Beatitudes without landing back in Romans 9. Even your grocery list reminds you of those vessels. Apples? Mercy. Brussel sprouts? Clearly wrath. Recommended cure: just ignore Romans 9. Or, better, make it about nations (so, you know, nothing to do with people — since individual people aren’t part of nations...).
8. You’re Post-Millennial
Does any good global news fit into your eschatology? Do you believe in God’s sovereignty to establish his kingdom on earth despite how bad things get? Do you enjoy resisting the trendy position of amillennialism while simultaneously destroying dispensationalists? Treatment: self-isolation until the eschatological fever passes.
9. You Have Sudden Urges To Baptize Babies
I’m not even sure what to say beneath this one. Anybody who has enough critical thinking to even consider baptizing a baby is doomed to become Reformed. But if you’ve ever found yourself going out in public with a water gun, just in case you see some dry infant being pushed around in a stroller by their unsuspecting parent, you’re nearly lost. While these urges can be fought somewhat, I recommend calling 911 and getting into ICU.
10. You Realize Everybody’s A Heretic (Except You)
And this is the final stage. Nobody is well and truly Reformed until they wake up and suddenly realize the world is full of heretics, and only they can save everybody. The disease has overtaken them completely. Ironically, this is the point when the virus loses all ability to transfer to other people. It actually becomes an antidote of sorts — Reformed Christians who are this far gone have a strange power to eliminate all Reformed tendencies from those who are fighting the disease.
And there you have it — I’ve warned you, and can only rely on God doing his best to keep you from being Reformed (because he can’t providentially keep you from it, that would be an abuse of power). Stay tuned for our upcoming post: “Emergency Measures When Your Best Friend Converts To Calvinism.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
CHASE HALL is a student at OBC, doing his Bachelor's in Biblical Studies, and a Ministry Intern at Central Community Church. He is the host of Revolution Podcast, and an avid student of Greek.
